How does one describe the feeling of having reached the end of one journey which is not really the end of the road. The last journey was good. The next one is unknown. For some time there is not even the realisation whether there is a next journey at all. Such moments do appear when a distinct chapter is turned, a milestone is reached. I am going through such a phase currently and facing intense unanswerable questioning. This is a period without purpose, period of void, a vacuum without any gravitational pull. This is a time in one’s life to either recoup, or to learn a new trick, or to go berserk in being lost.
This is also a time to take stock of life so far, both in qualitative and quantitative terms. What has the sum total of all the journeys been like. How has life treated you and how have you treated life till date. Have you earned friends and goodwill, have you merited love and compassion. Could you respect and accept the multiple shades of emotions and behaviour patterns in fellow beings. Did you see the morning sun escaping out of the clenched fist of darkness or getting trapped and losing itself in the evening. Have you noticed the diverse world of birds, insects and animal, on a tree, dependent and yet at peace with its environment. Have you contributed selflessly towards a smile on a strangers face. Do people contort their faces at the sight of you, wishing they had never met you. Are you going to leave any worthwhile remembrance behind. Or are the people who would remember you after your death only the inheritors of your monetary assets.
This is also a time for introspection. How well do you know your own self. Can you predict your own reaction to every circumstance accompanied with the true reason. Can you predict what is going to happen to you in the times to come. Do you know your own bandwidth, the limits of your capability. Can you commit to restrict your activities and your desires within your own limits. Do you know your own passions, given it a chance to flower. Or do you still continue to keep the self under wrap, afraid to touch and unravel this grey area believing that the devil alone knows what surprise it could spring.
This is also an excellent opportunity to evaluate one’s work. Is it wholesome and honest. Are you doing something which makes everyone smile with approval, though not necessarily ecstatic or contented. Or does it bring an unhappy frown, a worrying crease on the forehead of some. Can you go to bed with an admission that you have done the best possible or does the conscience make you sleepless. Does your work permit you to balance a healthy personal life or is it decreasing your age. Are you too busy making a living that you forego to make a life.
How does one answer such difficult questions without a sense of failure. How does one keep the spirits flying through this when the soul expresses distress signs of flagging. How does one make course corrections in the midst of speeding wheels without the fear of imminent accident and collapse. How does one secure a release from this trap.
This phase does offer such a wonderful window of opportunity to change, to make amends. Yet it would take a brave and trusting heart to seize it and a shipload of luck to see it through.