CONFUSED AS EVER

I have been a wanderer for as long as I can remember. I never had a permanent address, a permanent work, a permanent lifestyle, a permanent relationship, a permanent path. The perceptible temporariness about every little and big thing that I do have been the most permanent feature in my life, many a times stretching into being ridiculed. Not that I make any deliberate attempts at fastidiousness at best or casualness and unenthusiastic at worst. In fact I don’t have a clue about whatever happens with me. A very kind word to fit this condition would be ‘stupid’. To be honest about this, all my activities seem to lose their charm the moment I realize that it does not make me happy. Even this blog writing that has been going on from 2009 may suddenly stop one fine morning. Matter of fact, nothing holds my interest for long and I don’t know what will. From a distance it looks as if I am trying to stumble into something or some place without any pre-determined direction. Surprisingly however, for some good work done by me sometime in the remote past I am living comfortably. The current boiling issue in my mind as of now is that I am not able to decide whether I am going to continue working as a practicing CA or whether I am going to give up my profession and ………..

I must admit that I have been very consistent over a long time about this fact that I don’t enjoy this profession. Now it has become so full of fear that I have started detesting it. We take up every unethical type of work, adopt every unethical principle, all for the purpose of earning some extra rupees and in the bargain we accept fear into our thoughts that we could be unmasked, punished and also that the flow of money should ever stop. We are such cowards and such hypocrites at the same time that while on the one hand we believe we are doing the right thing and on the other we never lose an opportunity to criticize the levels of corruption. It is not that we are earning a great deal of money which in fact we are not. The reality is that we don’t have the ability to earn an honest rupee. When the next man is getting away with dishonesty we are inclined to do the same. We simply refuse to apply our minds and work hard or otherwise accept our levels of intelligence and karma and be satisfied with what we get. This practice is taking us nowhere near prosperity. We are still earning less than what our counterparts earn and we are earning it through wrong methods. The whole tangle is making me frustrated because I am able to neither leave it nor accept it. I cannot see this condition continue for long because on one hand every moment I get a feeling that I am loosing time or wasting time on useless activities which could be utilized on doing something better. On the other hand I don’t have any idea about what else I could do. Even if I select another activity how long would it be before I got bored and dissatisfied once again. This phase of indecisiveness is bothering me immensely.   My partners obviously don’t want me to walk away because my work and the money which it brings in are being shared by everyone. However I am in fact using that as an alibi to feel needed and indispensable. How further stupid can I get.

Worldly prudence, practical common sense tells me that I should continue doing whatever I am doing because it is the only thing that I know about. I cannot do anything else. On becoming a CA I tried to get a good job but was not selected, later I have tried to become an entrepreneur and failed, recently I tried to join academics (social service) and got rejected, I also try my hand at teaching but there is no real calling. I was doing all these only to be able to earn a decent amount every month. Therefore if I stop doing this I would not be earning anything. This has become my major insurmountable block. Even though I have scaled down my living style, I have not been able to free myself entirely from the strangulating clutches of money matters. The day I kick this ghost I will become a free man. This indecisiveness is also affecting me in another manner; I am not able to look far ahead into the future because I am not certain what course I will finally decide on. I am in the process of buying a flat and by God’s grace in another two years it should be fully paid for. But I am not able to decide whether I should take up the buying of another flat for Biki and his family the payment of which will take another five years. I am unable to decide where I would settle down for which it has become high time considering my age. I do not have a retirement fund to fall back upon for emergencies and I am unable to decide whether I really need one. Mark that, I doubt whether I really need funds for emergency. If that is not rich!

Well everything has a purpose and nothing happens without a reason. I pray that I somehow manage the ability to understand the cause and be able to see the goal. Until then it will continue to be the vagabond living.