Two recent events in my life, very insignificant, happened within a few days of each other and opened my insight to a truth and a very powerful lesson. I learnt that I am fearful and I also learnt why I am so fearful. I am always trumpeting in my blog writing and also when advising friends that one should never do anything under the influence of fear, that there is no need for fear, blah, blah. But when I analysed my own actions I discovered how hollow my words were.
The first occasion was when an old friend had come to my office to visit one of my partners. We exchanged greetings from a distance. While leaving, she with her husband was standing and chatting with my partner near the main door for quite a while. I could not bring myself to go and meet them. I was sitting in my room, working on some file but practically paralysed. What would I talk, how would I face them, if I go and talk to them would they be interested or would they be polite politically, or should I simply pass them with a nod of the head and walk on, would that be rude? I could not decide. Somewhere there is still some anger lurking inside me and at that moment this anger also raised its head, to justify the ego. Why should I go and meet her, can’t she come and meet me? So, it became obvious to me later that my fear got the better of me. Now, fear of what? Fear of being slighted, fear of being looked down upon, fear of being a loser, fear of the ego being shattered. I was in fact protecting my ego all the while. The rascal won’t leave me easily, even though identified, marked. Hah!
The second occasion was when I went to Bhubaneswar to attend a conference. From there I went to Kolkata and then took a return flight to Nagpur. The return flight was because I wanted to get back a day early to attend to some work and since no train service was available on the day the conference ended. To save on costs I booked this return ticket through my client organisation and hoped that this matter remained clandestine. However it did not. One inquisitive employee started making enquiries of me and I dodged. I dodged because I wanted to save my face, my reputation. I feared being exposed. But then the obvious was clear to all. It was obvious to me that I was trying to save my ego from blemish, my precious ego that I feared losing. I blamed myself for the stupid act and wondered whether I was worth protecting at all.
Both these incidents made me very unhappy, very close to depression. I could observe my fearfulness and could also see that I was becoming miserable because of that. It was a major failure. How much attachment I had for my ego, how much I loved and protected it, how much importance it had. I realized that this was exactly what I did not want. Then how was it that I did exactly what I did not want to? I could see that I had no control over my mind and my thinking. I spent a whole night in remorse.
Swami Ranganathananda in his exposition on the Bhagwat Gita explains, the atman cannot kill or be killed, it is eternal, it wears the body and the mind like clothes, to discards them when they become old and useless. The first major realisation from this episode, the significance of clothes on our body is there only till it is useful and serves a purpose. To give it any more importance than this is foolish. Similarly our body and ego are temporary and have to serve the atman to liberate itself from the cycle of birth and death. Until that moment of moksh happens the atman keeps changing clothes. When undue importance is given to body and ego, they play around with emotions, create karma and therefore we have to go through its complete cycle of cause and effect. Instead of bringing the curtains down on rebirths, we end up creating more births till all past karma is exhausted. How foolish it is to give importance to body and ego, how counter-productive. How precious is every moment in life to work out a liberation road map, why waste it on fancy emotions and thoughts, which take you in the wrong direction. Second major realisation, it is very essential to retain composure and calmness both is conquest and defeat. To be joyous or depressed belong to the realms of the mind, the ego. To entertain such emotions is to give importance to the ego, which will lead to more karma and rebirths. A balanced disposition, a controlled mind, equidistant from any extreme is the only way to live. Neither should failure bother you, nor should achievements affect you. All these have no real significance when we look at the countless births that we go through, countless events, good and bad, all forgotten and of no value to us today. Why keep rolling is such trivial pursuits which do not contribute to the goal of liberation? Very valuable lessons.
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