Having said that I still reiterate I don’t want to come back. I want this to be my last life which will be taking into consideration all the consequences of my past actions. I want the register of my past Karma to be wiped clean and then torn into shreds during this life itself so that there is nothing remaining to be carried forward and therefore no reason to be born again. Is this a fad? Is this a result of bitterness? Is this escapism? I have asked myself all these type of questions. I have been accused of running away from problems in the past. I have been accused of shifting from one fad to another, i.e. art of living into soka gakai, from there to Vipassana and so on. I have been accused of being a sulk. Having evaluated myself against all my past track records, I don’t find it to match. This strong desire of not wanting to be born again is like a built in program. It simply got activated one fine day. Nobody told me to go and achieve such a goal. I was surfing the net on Buddhism and got to Vipassana, applied to Igatpuri and was told to register at Nagpur, registered myself and heard the words of Gautama. He said it to be the goal of human life. Many saints I have read said the same thing. I find the rigors and mental conditions suiting to my life. I find events of my life pushing me towards this and baring me away from other pursuits. I am convinced. I know that it is possible to achieve because human can achieve anything just by putting his mind to it. But the most important reason behind the thought is that everything in world and in life is momentary, existing just for a fraction of the second and then there is a change. The physical body cell structure keeps changing. The material world structures keep changing. Thoughts change, feelings change, behavior change. Anything and everything which seems to be solid in this perception based world is in fact constantly changing. Even the karma profile of every individual is changing. There is no me as that which is me at this moment is different from the me from the previous moment and is also different from the me of the next moment. There is no mine since that which I chose to call mine a moment ago undergoes a change and become different the very next moment. To call someone as me and something as mine is only a make belief, pretence and falsehood. To wish to live such a life birth after birth, to enjoy rolling in such foolish pursuits, is like considering the quicksand to be solid ground. One gets attached to the various sense pleasures and this becomes bondage. Fear lurks in every corner, fear that this moment will end, fear that this will not survive, and fear that this will be lost. All life forms have fear as a major emotion or feeling. From fear arises unhappiness and misery. To continue living in this substance-less world is to pursue sufferings and pretend that one is pursuing happiness.All said and done to become a non-returner is not an easy task. It is going to take a lot of effort to achieve this goal and I don’t want to miss the bus, I don’t want to miss this opportunity. If I am born again there are great chances that I would get entangled into worldly activities and such a desire and chance may take many more birth to come again.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
The breath in function begin
Only to allow the breath out
Wishing many a things linger
But everything is timed out
More amazing than the miracle of growth
Which is born out of everyone’s desire
Is the inevitable spectacle of degrowth
Which is the principle of nature bizarre
Whatever goes up must come down
Whatever takes birth must die
Whatever starts must end
Is this cruel and heartless
This mystic law of nature
Is this benign and compassion
This regeneration stature
This puzzle has lead to fears
Of losing what he considers precious
To bribe since he is riddled with tears
Praying for relief at the feet of the gracious
What is this life supposed to be? What am I supposed to do with myself? Seems like a very stupid question. A normal person would say just enjoy each day as it comes, live in the present and don’t worry about any hidden meaning or purpose, there are none. Somebody wise would say, find out what interests you and involve all your energy into it, make every minute count. Someone ambitious would say, go for the stars and you will at least reach the moon. Definitely sounds like a dumb question to ask especially when you know all the answers. Of course I know all these answers but they are good enough for others not for me. None of these answers work for me.
I seem to fall into some sort of no man’s land. I don’t belong anywhere. The profession that I am in is not my natural environment. I am clueless most of the time about what is going on around me and what should be my regular and normal response. I can say this with conviction because I have seen professionals who have a near perfect hang of the direction in which the wind blows and their mind works like a Swiss watch, asking the right question and being at the right place with the right contact. Add to that the fact my mind is neither sharp nor intelligent in matters related to my profession. Most of the time I am the follower of instructions and therefore the treatment given to me is like that. I can see the contrast between what I would wish to be and what I am. However I find it impossible to cross the divide for which the main obstacle or reason is my absolute lack of interest. The wish or desire to be successful is that of my ego, but my life does not support it. I find is impossible to read journals, books, material pertaining to the profession and absorb the contents. They seem so lifeless and boring that my mind cannot concentrate. I find it amazing that I have survived here for two decades. I entered this profession because it was the best road to earn loads of money and to my teenage mind money was all that mattered. During my entire lifetime until a couple of years ago money was the prime object of my desire. Always it has eluded me. Always. I have reached the conclusion that try as I might, my cash pipeline is narrow, it is a manufacturing defect and there is nothing that I can do to change this. It is more likely to be a manufacturer’s intent that is a result of my karma and for that I am grateful. However once this realization set in that money and me are not made for each other, the driving force zeal and enthusiasm for being in this profession has evaporated.
Then can I say with authority and confidence that the need to earn money is no more there in me? False. My money needs have decreased substantially but it has not gone away. I still continue to work with the sole objective to earn money because I need the money to buy a house, to pay for my food clothing and time-pass, to invest in my retirement funds and to donate to charity. I wish to come out of this vicious mental block and be able to relinquish the need to earn but so for I have not been successful. Therein lays the dichotomy of my life. I am comfortable in my quite simple and single life, in contemplation and meditation, in reading and cycling, to use one word in the life of a hermit. But still the need for money persists. I don’t understand how people renounce the material world and take up sanyasa and I find myself unable to do so. I don’t know yet how to life without having to earn and I am searching. The more I remain in this mode, the more removed I am going to become from my profession and the more difficult it is going to be for me to earn money. Will I ever be able to break the shackles and set myself free from this bondage? That once again brings me back to the question, what am I supposed to do with myself?
A very interesting story in the life of Peter Drucker, when he was thirteen a teacher asked him what he wanted to be remembered for. When at a ripe old age of eighty Peter Drucker was still trying to answer that question, “Because it pushes you to see yourself as a different person – the person you can become”.