Monday, February 23, 2009

OF FAILURES AND GRATITUDES

Today was a day of great fortune. I had been to the Moonlight Studio to receive my snaps. What great snaps! I look at least 15 to 20 years older; in fact the guy in the photo did not seem to be me. People say that sons resemble their father over time. Now this guy in the photo does not even resemble my father. My father was a good man, short on temper but honest which qualifies him to be good. So, I am pushing my forties looking sixties and pop goes my fantasy that I am still young. I look horrible like an old mud flap behind a wheel. Why is that fortunate? I now have experience on my side. Ha, Ha.
What does it feel to be old and a miserable failure? Well, frankly not so great. Being old does not hurt so much as being a failure. But escape that tag, I can’t. Life can be experienced through various frames, comforts, wealth, happiness, status, family, relationships, spiritual, work, education, etc. We have opportunities to enter each frame, stay a while, and make an effort, taste success or failure. I have entered all of them and made zero impact. Oops sorry, the truth is, I have infact made a negative impact.
Sadly this is not a two way street. As I grow old I can only grow older. This is no strange case of Suman Bose. The process is irreversible. There is no point in being dejected and then rejected. The days are not coming back, and even if they did I don’t think I ever would have the intelligence to wish to do things differently. If my life were to start again I probably would make the same mistakes, fall into the same traps, and end up being the same failure. A consistent fool is better than an inconsistent fool, don’t you agree. Yes, that’s me.
Ironically, knowing that I am a failure relives me from stress and burden. Henceforth I won’t have to pretend that I understand, I am a quick learner, I can take correct decisions. At every opportunity I can simply raise both hands and bring up my normal “what’s that” expression which so far I have only used with myself. I won’t have to worry about humiliation anymore. I accept that I am a failure, which is a serious matter and nobody can hang me for that. Wow!

Forty years of my life is gone and here I am safe and sound. Through this ordinary journey I owe a lot to so many people, I am grateful to so many close persons, who have cared for me, loved me and protected me. First, my parents my ma and babuji who fought each other to death, but stayed together for the sake of their children. They sacrificed their lives and happiness accepting bitterness and acrimony so that their children could stay together and grow together. That’s love. Ma and Babuji gave us kids nothing more than excellent education and good health and I am very grateful to them for this. Then came Kanchan who loved me and cared for me for a good eighteen years. However my lack of self esteem, confidence and maturity destroyed everything. I am grateful to her love and her supreme sacrifice of the best years of her life for me which cannot be returned. Soma and Biki, who love me and respect me so much. I am grateful to them for being born with me. I am grateful to all my partners and especially C. R. Sagdeo for being so generous and kind to a non deserving person like me. I am grateful to Kanchan’s mom who is such an extraordinary soul for all her love and kindness. I would like to add my grandmother to this list bacause I was drowned and drunk in her love for me. I am so grateful to her. I have not done anything to deserve such love, kindness and sacrifice from these great souls. Tears roll down my eyes when I think of all the pain and sorrow that I have given them in return.

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